The Essex Herald

Home of Pop Quiz and Essex News and now incorporating The Landfill Tawny Echo

The Essex Herald. The home of intellectual vandalism since 1978

Retraction. Last week The Herald’s editor was given a speeding ticket and in a related article described PC Nick Speeders of the Essex traffic police as “a bit of a tit”. Mr Speeders complained to the newspaper watchdog saying that the article had caused him “a small amount of embarrassment”. The Essex Herald would like to point out that the article should have referred to PC Speeders as “a complete and utter tit”. We apologise for only causing him a small amount of embarrassment.

Norman Bates euthanasia clinic to hold family fun day

 

The Norman Bates euthanasia clinic in Landfill Tawny is holding an open day on the 31st April to celebrate another bumper year of trade. Apart from the many sideshows and stalls exhibiting that day are American rock legends “The Grateful Dead” who will be making a special appearance to kick off their forthcoming UK tour. Other attractions will include the Essex Triumph Herald classic car association and the Landfill Tawny “flying sparrows” display team. Also the Landfill Tawny Soylent Green biscuit factory will be giving away free samples of their tasty new high protein snacks, yum yum.

The whole family is welcome so go along and enjoy a good day out. Don’t let any old people stand around or wander off, just in case.

As part of the celebrations the Norman Bates clinic is offering a 10% discount to all Essex Herald readers. Click on picture above to be taken to the clinics official website

In other news

The 2012 census forms are now all in and being collated. Early indications show a sharp increase in the elderly mortality rate over recent years. Natural causes are sighted as the most common cause of death. In contrast home ownership and land redevelopment have increased significantly among the younger population.   The Herald will keep you updated as more information becomes available.

E. coli discovered in Essex

An outbreak of E.Coli has been detected on Winton Dale farm in Landfill Tawny. Professor Higgs Boson of the Essex Institute for Scientific Research who carried out the tests said "This was an accident waiting to happen. Building farmland on top of a landfill site was never a good idea".

Justin Case, owner of Winton Dale Farm played down the danger. He insisted that all of his East European pickers washed their hands after handling vegetables. He went on to say, "Provided you cut the vegetables very thin and do not exceed the governments recommended five a day you should be OK. Everyone knows that germs can't live on thinly cut vegetables"

Les Being, landlord of The Roast Swan Inn has always purchased his produce from local farmers and is pleased to report that cases of food poisoning have shown no significant increase in recent days. Last year the Roast Swan was awarded two botulism stars by the local health authority".

200 year anniversary of the speed camera

On this day in 1808 the world’s first speed camera was erected in Landfill Tawny. The device was invented by local man Arkwright Killjoy (58). Chief Constable Sterling Grabber (17) (pictured above issuing the worlds first speeding ticket) was on hand as the first offender was captured.  Morris Traveller (72) was delivering urgent medical supplies to the Slurry Bottom Royal infirmary when he passed the speed camera travelling at a reported 8.5 MPH. A full 3.5 MPH over the national limit.

 

Mr Traveller was cautioned and placed in custody whilst the film was sent off to Boots for processing. Three weeks later the prints returned and were used in evidence at Mr Traveller's trial where he was found guilty. Traveller was fined one pound four shillings and sixpence and banned from driving horses for six months.

 

Chief Constable Grabber was delighted with the outcome and ordered a further six hundred cameras. "The cameras will pay for themselves" he said, "why chase criminals who can’t pay fines when there are plenty of wage earning horse owners out there who can"

 

We asked inventor Arkwright Killjoy what he would do with all the money he had earned from the sale of the cameras. "Well" he said, "I will use some of the money to fund my latest invention. It comprises of a glass straw filled with special crystals connected to a pig's bladder. Blowing through the tube and inflating the bladder alters the colour of the crystals and should be able to detect if someone has been drinking alcohol. I call it a breathalyzer"

 

Unfortunately, Mr Killjoy did not live to complete his invention, as he was found dead with injuries consistent with being stabbed, strangled and trampled by horses. Bob Bruiser (42), owner of local tavern “The Roast Swan” and part time coroner recorded a verdict of natural causes.

 

Welcome Home

North Essex celebrated yesterday after the safe return of the Landfill Tawny and Slurry Bottom special reserve army. The specials have just finished a peace keeping tour of Basildon and Laindon. Commanding officer Major Phyllis Tine said it was one of the most dangerous tours her team had ever been on. She told Herald reporter Stanley Scoop, “It’s a jungle out there; my troops faced constant danger from the insurgent Chav.s. At night it’s almost impossible to tell the difference between moody gold and the real thing, it’s always a split second decision. We are now off to Basra for a well earned rest.”

 

 

The troops encounter a squad of Chav’s swapping ring tones in Laindon.

Prince Charles was visiting the Slurry Bottom organic jam factory when he heard of their return and after inspecting the troops decided to attend the award ceremony in person.  Being a good sport he even volunteered to pin the medals on selected candidates himself. (Pictured below pinning a medal on Major Phyllis Tine)

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Now available at Lay By Motors Landfill Tawny

 

Our Mission

The Essex Herald is here to bring you the stories other papers won't. At the Herald we never let the truth get in the way of a good story. We are proud to take intellectual vandalism to a whole new level.

 

Our mission statement is simple “If it’s not true, make it up”. Our reporters scour every corner of Essex, seeking out that extra special story. If the weathers bad or there’s a half decent match on TV we just stay in the office and make stuff up. The way we look at it is like this, in a hundred years from now, who will give a shit.

 

Please enjoy the articles and always be on the look out for the true stuff, it is in there somewhere. If you have a story that’s borderline true then please send it to us.

 

This site is constantly being updated with new stories, new characters and new competitions. Please come back for the latest copy soon

 

Harry Monk. Editor           Contact me

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On this day

On this day in 1877 Thomas Edison made the first ever record. Well that’s what they say but records were broken long before Edison, so we think someone is telling porkies.