The Essex Herald

Star's trek to buy merchandise left by William Shatner. Kirk himself never watched his shows but thousands travel light years to get their fill of souvenirs. Shatner says “I never watched the shows or took bits from the set”. Well if he can’t do it I’m sure a Vulcan.

Not every star failed to take souvenirs from a film set. Local broadcaster John Hayes kept his Cyber Man outfit from his Dr Who days. (Pictured wearing the helmet)

Star Trek fans are prepared to pay a high price for the shows memorabilia; recently the blueprints of the star ship Enterprise fetched a record price on an internet auction. The Herald’s sci-fi reporter Norman Nerdyman says, “People can be so stupid, does anybody really believe that star fleet would let those plans out of their hands”

Health and safety hit a new low today as bureaucrats ban pancake race. A spokesperson said “tossing is a dangerous business, somebody could get hurt”. We asked if they thought that they were being just a little bit PC. In reply they said, “If someone had an accident it would be us that ended up with egg on our face, followed by milk and flour”

Yale student Paddy Lock woke up to stomach pain as he had one drink too many the night before and swallowed his door key. Paddy said it must have been a combination of drinks that made him do it. He said he had drunk too many tumblers of alcohol.

Nurse Emmer Royd said that eating too many keys can make you CHUBBy. The key eventually found its own way out. Paddy said “it’s no barrel of laughs; my friends now call me the dreadlock deadlock"