The Essex Herald

Doctor Ivebin Struckhoff has just purchased a degree in clinical psychology on eBay. Doctor Ivebin says, “Mental illness is a delicate subject and should be approached with tact, sympathy and understanding.” Below is a quick guide to mental illness

 Everyone gets voices in the head at some time. These voices are harmless and should say things like, “Put her down she’s not your wife” or “Don’t have another beer, you’re drunk”. If you hear a voice claiming to be Jesus then you are in big trouble.

As a general rule of thumb Jesus only talks to Saints. If you live in a council house and a voice in your head claiming to be Jesus is telling you to kill any woman who looks like your mum then you are a complete mental.

Talking to Jesus is not a bad thing. It’s a bit like having an imaginary friend but for grownups.   However, you must remember that Jesus is a God. If he wants to kill someone he could do it with an earthquake or lightning bolt, he doesn’t need any help from the likes of you. If needed Jesus could talk to anybody in the world. If you had this ability the last person you would want to speak to would be a mental.

A good example of doing mental things is when you are in a restaurant and send your food back because you think it’s too cold. Your food may be returned hot but it will contain a collection of chefs’ hairs and other bodily fluids that are not on the menu. Basically, only a mental complains about his food before he’s eaten it.

Another example of doing mental things is if you return to work after being on holiday and somebody asks where you have been, normal people say they have been on holiday.  If you have over 600 photographs in your pocket of you standing under road signs and you want to share them with everyone else, you are a mental.  The same rule applies to baby pictures.