The Essex Herald

Home of Pop Quiz and Essex News and now incorporating The Landfill Tawny Echo

Ask the team

This is your chance to ask the team a question. Just e-mail your questions to the editor, Harry Monk and we will do our best to solve your problems.

Dear Adam, I am at my wits end. Every time we take our three year old son out in our Vauxhall Astra he cries. What can we do?

Tina Flange

What the F*** are you thinking about? He’s obviously well embarrassed with your piece of s*** wheels. Dump the car and get a Nissan Skyline or BMW M3. People like you don’t deserve to have kids, you should be sterilised.

                                          Apology

In last weeks issue Miss Slapworthy asked Adam’s advice about her toddler constantly crying whilst she was watching “East Enders”. Adam suggested she should try two or three cans of Stella.  He did of course mean that SHE should drink the Stella.  We hope that little Boris is out of intensive care soon. 

Dear Dr Struckhoff, recently my husband has been spending a lot of time down the pub with his mates leaving me at home with the kids. I think he's stopped loving me. What am I to do?

 

Anne Ominous

 

First of all, don’t worry. All men are hunter gatherers and have a real need to fulfil this primeval urge. It's perfectly normal behaviour. Think yourself lucky, you’ve never had it so good. Your ancestors had to sit indoors sewing socks by candlelight. Modern man has given you East Enders, Coronation Street and Bargain Hunt. It's up to you to keep your man. Whining on and on won't do it. Look after yourself a bit more. Lose the tash, buy some makeup and have a warm welcome and a hot meal ready for him when he comes home. These are the things you should be doing and not whinging on to me. Hope this helps.

Dear Monty, I am thinking of buying a classic car. I've had my eye on an MG. Can you give me any tips on owning and restoring a classic car?

 

Joy Ryder

 

OK, for a start an MG is not a classic car, it’s a pile of poo. There is only one classic car and that’s a Triumph Herald. I would rather push a Triumph than drive an MG. If you are not going to be serious then I'm not going to waste my time talking to you.

Dear Yossel, I am searching for something but I don’t know what. I'm guessing it must be religion. With so much choice out there I'm a bit confused. Should I take the existentialist route to a self fulfilling singular universal reality or the more traditional everyday creationists view of God being an unimaginable force who occasionally manifests himself in the guise of an anthropomorphic deity?

 

Stu Pidman

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I can see from your letter that education has never played an important part in your life so I will try to keep my answer simple. There are a lot of religions out there so I have listed the most popular ones below on the "Shit Happens" scale.

 

 

 

Hare Krishna - Shit happens, Rama, Rama, Ding, Ding

Zen – Perhaps you happened to the shit

Reincarnationists – Shit just keeps happening again and again

Buddhism – Is it really shit?

Church of England – Shit won’t happen if I work harder

Catholicism – If shit happens I must deserve it

Jehovah’s Witnesses – Knock knock, Shit happens

Judaism – Why does this shit always happen to us?

Extremists – If shit happens, take a hostage

 

If none of the above takes your fancy there’s always the modern religion, become a Jedi. They say: If shit happens, build a bigger Death Star.

Dear Mr Benderpants, now that summer is almost here I would like to have a go at building my own Bar-B-Que.  I have to be honest and say that I’m not very good at building things, is there an easy way to do it?

 

Carrie Van-Driver

 

Hi Carrie, first of all don’t worry about your ability as a builder, it never stopped me. As luck would have it I have just built my very own   Bar-B-Que. I was wrecking my brains on how to do it when I had a eureka moment. I was doing the family shop down at Lidl’s. I had to shop there as Aldi’s was shut for staff training. I was pushing the trolley back to the caravan when like a flash it came to me. I realised that the answer was in my hands. See picture below for full building instructions. Good luck and remember to get your moody £1.00 coin back by cutting the end off the chain.