The Essex Herald

Home of Pop Quiz and Essex News and now incorporating The Landfill Tawny Echo

The Essex Car                         A full report by Monty Rustbucket 

First you will need a car. This may be a rusty Renault but as long as it has a set of brand new alloy wheels it will look cool. Secondly you will need an exhaust. Not just any exhaust but a huge exhaust. These can be expensive but don’t worry. Knock a few holes in the silencer. This will give your car a sporty sound. Next get a baked bean tin from the kitchen bin and polish it. Cut a small hole in the bottom so it fits over your exhaust pipe. You may need to hack a bit out of the rear bumper to facilitate fitting but don’t worry, this will look good.

 

Now you have an Essex car you must learn to drive the Essex way

Three lane A roads

Essex has three major roads, the A127, A12 and A13. Stretches of these roads have three lanes just like a motorway. Under no circumstances are you to use the near side lane. The near side lane is only for lorry drivers and people with a full UK driving licence.

If you have to enter at a junction that joins a three lane section you must go straight to the middle lane. It doesn’t matter if the nearside lane is completely empty, just head for the middle lane. Once in the middle lane you must adjust your speed to 55MPH. If you are lucky there will already be a convoy in the middle lane that you can join. This convoy is usually comprised nervous drivers, taxis, 4X4 vehicles and people driving German cars.

If there is not already a convoy, don’t worry. It won’t take long before you are heading up your own convoy.

If you have to leave the road from a three lane section, never, never indicate. Just cut straight across at the last minute. As you gain experience and confidence you can try this manoeuvre from the fast lane. Pictured below is the new Landfill Tawny bypass. The slow lane has never been used.

 

Roundabouts

Roundabouts can be tricky but with a little practice you can become a master of annoyance. Follow these simple rules. If you are turning right you need to be in the left hand lane. This procedure causes maximum confusion to non Essex drivers. As you start to go around the roundabout don’t indicate. The time to indicate is just before the junction before the junction you want to take. This is a good move as it gives the drivers in that junction a false sense of security. They may even believe you are intending to turn into that road and pull out in front of you. This is the perfect opportunity to give them a blast on your super loud horn.

It’s very hard to annoy people when you are just turning left so the only advice I can give you is to indicate right.

T Junctions

T junctions are easy. If you are turning right be in the left lane and for turning left be in the right lane. Never indicate. Where you’re going is your little secret. It’s not your fault if other drivers aren’t psychic.

Traffic Lights

If you are approaching a green light, hesitate, slow down and hesitate some more. By the time you get to the lights they will have changed to amber. This is a good time to perform the emergency stop. When the lights change back to green count to three before attempting to pull away. Pull away slowly stopping occasionally. When you get good at this you can make sure that you are the only one who gets through the lights.   

Petrol Stations

You may think that petrol stations lack the opportunity to annoy people but you’d be wrong. For a start you can park across two pumps. Better still is the blocking manoeuvre. When you see three pumps are vacant, park at the first one. If you park with your wheels about three feet from the pump it will stop people passing you to get to the two vacant pumps in front of you.

The fun doesn’t end here. When you finish follow these simple moves. Take an age to put the petrol cap back on. Walk very slowly to the kiosk. When you are in the kiosk don’t pay straight away, look around the shop for a while. When you do eventually get to the till forget what pump number you were at. Walk outside to have a look. People queuing behind your car will think that you are about to leave. Re-enter the kiosk and fumble through your wallet or purse looking for your point’s card.

If  by the time you get back to your car the people behind you haven’t lost the will to live, don’t give up. You still have one more chance. Before pulling away do all your pre flight checks. This can take anything up to five minutes

We know how to park in Essex