The Essex Herald

Retraction. Last week The Herald’s editor was given a speeding ticket and in a related article described PC Nick Speeders of the Essex traffic police as “a bit of a tit”. Mr Speeders complained to the newspaper watchdog saying that the article had caused him “a small amount of embarrassment”. The Essex Herald would like to point out that the article should have referred to PC Speeders as “a complete and utter tit”. We apologise for only causing him a small amount of embarrassment.

North Essex celebrated yesterday after the safe return of the Landfill Tawny and Slurry Bottom special reserve army. The specials have just finished a peace keeping tour of Basildon and Laindon. Commanding officer Major Phyllis Tine said it was one of the most dangerous tours her team had ever been on. She told Herald reporter Stanley Scoop, “It’s a jungle out there; my troops faced constant danger from the insurgent Chav.s. At night it’s almost impossible to tell the difference between moody gold and the real thing, it’s always a split second decision. We are now off to Basra for a well earned rest.”

The troops encounter a squad of Chav’s swapping ring tones in Laindon.

Prince Charles was visiting the Slurry Bottom organic jam factory when he heard of their return and after inspecting the troops decided to attend the award ceremony in person.  Being a good sport he even volunteered to pin the medals on selected candidates himself. (Pictured below pinning a medal on Major Phyllis Tine)

Now available at Lay By Motors Landfill Tawny

The Essex Herald is here to bring you the stories other papers won't. At the Herald we never let the truth get in the way of a good story. We are proud to take intellectual vandalism to a whole new level.

Our mission statement is simple “If it’s not true, make it up”. Our reporters scour every corner of Essex, seeking out that extra special story. If the weathers bad or there’s a half decent match on TV we just stay in the office and make stuff up. The way we look at it is like this, in a hundred years from now, who will care.

Please enjoy the articles and always be on the look out for the true stuff, it is in there somewhere. If you have a story that’s borderline true then please send it to us.

This site is constantly being updated with new stories, new characters and new competitions. Please come back for the latest copy soon

Harry Monk. Editor           Contact me