The Essex Herald

This is where you get the chance to write your own stuff. All letters written to the editor will be published here, even if they are total rubbish.

              Sour-fend-work-Shops

I have enjoyed reading some of the articles in the Essex Herald, so I thought I would write some for the paper my self.

I am an ex reporter for the Sour-fend, daily cough up newspaper, run by the Sour-fend council, I was fired due to a bad mix-up with funds, They did not believe I could afford a 5 bedroom mansion with my news paper delivery money.

My name is Young Sparky, You may have seen me around and about in Sour-fend, I look like 007, (so I am told)

I decided that I would visit some of the work shops in Sour-fend; I also invited some old colleges of mine along, they are from the local Constab u lary.

Pc T-Leaf, Pc P.Rick  Inspector R.Biggs Chief inspector Lord. Lucan, And from the Local Community I invited some Tree huggers along.

Miss Tracey Swellbreast, Ms Bounce, and Mrs Bike, Mr Knuckleduster, and Mr Jobseeker.

Representing the OAP Clubs, were some lovely people from the Derby and Joan Knitting club, Miss Baseball bat Brenda, Charlie the Chainsaw, and Poison pete.

We all decided that it would be a good idea to visit some of the outskirts of Sour-fend first.

We first went to a place called Hackwell, it is a place near rochford, which is very close to Sour-fend, on our travels we bumped into a couple of locals, Mr S. McQueen, who apparently helps old ladies across the road, and keeps their handbags for safe keeping, also with him was the local Tramp, Dick turnip, he is the local curry taster, (Hi Bruv) he really was a lovely boy.

Our next stop was a place called shoes-bury-ness, this place is famous for making the Essex Knuckle dusters and razorblade soaps, for the Lager louts of Essex.

Our last and final stop was the work shops of Sour-fend, it is run by the local council, along with the Neapolitan police force of old Smokey town, Sour-fend has a lot of work shops, so I thought I would mention just a few of them for now, I will mention the others in future articles.

The first work shop we came across was called mini light, it is where young mums are trained to keep the door open of a mini with 1 foot so the light can remain on whilst doing other things.

The next work shop was called Buggy driving, this is where young mums of thirteen can steer their 4 birth buggies around cones, it’s so they don’t bump into people whilst they are in the social security office.

Another work shop we went to was called Multitasking Mums, this is where thirteen year old mums, learn how to multitask, they are taught, how to change a baby’s nappy with one hand, whilst talking on their mobiles, and rolling a spliff with their feet, they were being assisted by some of the older 15 year old mums.

Just before we left one of the young mums approached us with a very big complaint, Miss Bend.over, said that her children might be scarred for ever, why so we asked, she went on to explain, that whilst they were on their Free Tax payers council run holiday to Florida, there was not enough caviar in the volauvents, and the children were distraught, I said that we would see what we could do to make up for this serious mistake.

Thank you for reading my article, I look forward to writing for the Essex Herald again.

Yours Sincerely

Young sparky