The Essex Herald | Home of Pop Quiz and Essex News and now incorporating The Landfill Tawny Echo

Meet the team behind The Essex Herald

Here at the Essex Herald we have a top team working around the clock to bring you the best stories in Essex. See the faces behind the features. Team leader Stanley Scoop. Always first on the scene to bring you all the latest stories. Whether it’s “oh my god he’s got a gun” or “Go on jump, I have a deadline to keep you know”. We think he's in love with Hilda Hunchback.

Health and beauty expert Hilda Hunchback is always there to you give you helpful tips on the latest fashions and guides to keeping beautiful. Hilda knows a thing or two about looking good. She once entered a beauty contest and was awarded "Best in show" WOW, look out wives, she's on the prowl, is your man locked up tonight?

Youth pages editor Fred Sinister keeps you right up to date with the latest trends in music and “happening things”. Fred has a large hip-hop record collection which he’s always playing on his gramophone.

Turn it down Fred, were trying to work here, Ha Ha

Gareth Geek is our technophile. From DVD's to computers he's is the man. Gareth believes that mentals, women and old people should not be allowed to own a computer as they are all stupid. "If god wanted them to have computers he would have given them a brain". He has a point. Gareth bought a moody disabled sticker off e-bay so can park his Hummer estate anywhere he likes. If you have a technical question then write to Gareth, unless you are a mental, a woman or old person. Gareth says, "There are just ten types of people in the world; those that understand binary and those that don’t.

Weather girl Cloudier Skies brings a ray of sunshine to the coldest of days. Going on a picnic or just burying a body in the woods. Read Cloudier's forecast first. It may help your defence.

Cloudier loves, Dr Struckhoff

Crystal Ball will gaze into the stars and tell your fortune. Look in every day to see what the stars have in store for you, Crystal says, "there’s something wrong with that Fred Sinister bloke, he scares me". Good old Crystal, ever the joker. "No really, he scares me. Who put him in charge of the kids section?"

Motoring expert Monty Rustbucket has all the latest info on anything auto. Monty himself drives a vintage 1960's Triumph convertible made from recycled materials, mostly Skodas. He spends hours in his shed making bits for it. Recently Monty fitted an overdrive unit. Now he can cruise all day at 40 MPH. If you see a red blur followed by a cloud of blue smoke don’t worry, it’s just Monty taking Mrs Rustbucket out for a spin. Chocks away Monty

Montys car club link. www.freewebs.com/essextssc/

Our spiritual correspondentis YosselOusapain.

Yossel is always there with an open mind and an open hand. When he’s not putting the world to rights he can be found down the bookies putting a bet on his favourite football team, Tottenham. But seriously,write to Yossel about

any religious matters. You never know.

Gardening expert Gaye Abandon is always on hand for your gardening questions. Gaye’s house is on a slope so he’s an expert in up hill gardening. Gaye says that all flowers are his friends and enjoys nothing better than drilling the pansies in his garden.

Blimey Gaye, loose some weight. Looks like your growing man boobs. Ha Ha

DIY expert Fifi Benderpants is here to help. From building a house to tarmacing a drive Fifi is on hand. At the moment he is building his own house, out of matches. Fifi is used to working with wood. In the 60's he made all the sets and backdrops for the smash hit TV soap, Crossroads. Let's hope his house doesn't wobble as much. Fifi's hobby is keeping battery goldfish in a very small tank.

Celebrity chef Simon Ella recently joined the Herald team. His impressive CV says that his food is "quite cultured", or "grows cultures". We just don’t know as it's a bit scribbled. It also says that his cooking, "brings back deft a plenty" or "bring back the death penalty". We’re not sure. It also says something like "master baker" Only kidding Simon, put the cleaver down

Harold Shipwreck is our expert on the elderly. He knows all about growing old. Write to Harold for any advice from insulating the loft to mild incontinence. As soon as the latest restraining order comes to an end he’ll be doing house calls again.

Never give him your PIN number

Dr. Ivebin Struckhoff is here to help with your pro blems. Just drop Dr. Ivebin a line and he will do his best to help you. Dr Ivebin is the proud owner of no less than ten BA’s five MA’s and three PhD’s. All of which were obtained at the university of e-bay. He is also currently bidding on a masters in physiology. We wish him every success. Recently Dr Ivebin missed out on a surgical diploma to a bidder from the USA. Ivebin says, "Trust me, I'm a doctor

Adrian Swall is our “North of the border correspondent”

We found Adrian sleeping rough in Edinburgh, brought him to Essex and gave him a pair of shoes. You should have seen his little face light up. He now eats the outside of an animal and not the insides. If you have an extension lead that will stretch from Carlisle to Gretna Green let Adrian know. He’s so impressed with electricity that he wants to introduce it to Scotland. Were sure he’s happy but it’s hard to tell as he speaks a different kind of English to us.

Thinking of going to Spain for a holiday. Want to know the cheapest place to stay. Our Spanish correspondent Benny Dorm is here to help. Talk to Benny, he’ll go on for hours and hours and never use a single vowel. We don’t know how he does it. He would be really good on Countdown. Benny’s hobbies include shopping at Aldi and drift net fishing.