The Essex Herald

Home of Pop Quiz and Essex News and now incorporating The Landfill Tawny Echo

The world is not as old as we thought


This is the shock new revelation coming from the American Creationist’s Movement (ACM).

According to the ACM the world is only 6000 years old. This is in stark contrast to scientists claims that the world is in fact closer to being between four and five billion years old. Scientists, (whom the ACM believe only exist as tools of Satan to disprove the existence God), have based their evidence on, well basically science.

On the other hand the ACM have based their research on a system they call “faith”.

Faith, they claim is the best and only method for making such predictions as it’s not bogged down with the so called traditional methods of proof.

By using the faith system, the exact age of the Earth can be pinned down to a single day. Man and dinosaurs roamed the planet together and the so called “ice age” was merely a cold snap. The entire universe was constructed in just seven days, well six actually if you allow for a day of rest.

It has to be said that the faith system does offer a breath of fresh air to traditional teaching methods. It no longer takes many years of study and dedication to prove or disprove a theory. The entire faith system can be learned in less than an hour.

The ACM is gaining momentum and claiming new devotees from the scientific community.

Professor Stephen Hawkwind, (not to be confused with the 70’s rock band that had a massive hit with Silver Machine) is slowly warming to the ACM’s approach to scientific research.

Professor Hawkwind said, “In order to determine the distance to the nearest star, a firm grounding in many different disciplines of science is needed. These include physics, mathematics, telemetry as well as a thorough understanding of Newton’s 3 laws of motion and Einstein’s theory of relativity. Employing the faith system of calculation is much easier.”

As an example, professor Hawkwind went on to show that using (traditional scientific methods) the nearest star to earth was calculated to be about 4.27 light years away. That’s 186,000 x 60 x 60 x 365 x 4.27 miles. That is a very big number. By using the faith method of calculation we can get that number down to less than 1000 miles. “I really don’t know why we didn’t think of it before”. He said.

Professor Hawkwind’s new book entitled, “A very, very, very, very brief history of time” is out soon.

Supermarkets have also been quick to jump on the faith bandwagon. For Example;

Customer: “This packet of sausages in well past its sell by date”

Shop owner: “That sir is the scientific label, put there by Satan himself. If you look on the back the creationists label proves that the sausages are only three seconds old”

Customer: “Fantastic, I’ll take them”

As long as there are witches and warlocks around prepared to boil their scientific theories in the devils sulphur fuelled caldron, this debate is set to continue.

All this reporter can say is; “Armageddon the hang of this, are you?”

If like me you’re still humming the tune of Silver Machine in your head and thinking, was that really in the charts forty years ago? The answer according to the ACM is perhaps not. It may appear like it was only yesterday because it was, only yesterday. No hang on, that was The Carpenters. Shit, I got that tune in my head now.

World exclusive. Higgs Boson particle found

Breaking news, the Higgs Boson (GOD) particle has been found. The announcement was made today by Professor Uri Hanzoffme from the LHC press office in CERN. He went on to say that the particle had been there all the time but until now had gone unnoticed. We asked why it had taken so long to find something that was already there. Professor Uri explained, “The particle is very small, in fact it’s tiny, so tiny that even a person with very good eyesight couldn’t see it, even if you looked through a large magnifying glass and squinted a bit you still would not be able to see it”. We pointed out to the professor that as a (sub atomic particle) it was bound to be very small to which he replied, “The L in LHC stands for Large, not Little you idiot”. Our bad

Next week in "Science Today" we ask the big question, “If an apple is made of atoms, do atoms taste of apple?”